The Real Reason I Seem Detached Sometimes

Updated on January 31, 2017
kierrarose profile image

Just a 19-year-old girl trying to use her voice to make a difference in the world.

I've always been a carefree and easygoing person. I had plenty of friends growing up, and I still do. I was always told that I had a smile that could light up a room and a memorable personality. I was a cheerleader all throughout middle school and high school, and I was a voice on YouTube when I was 14. I wanted to relate to people like me who were struggling, who felt like no one understood them. I was always stronger than my sadness, until recently.

I watched my mom take her last breath as I was holding her hand. I still remember the way her fingers were still warm as I slipped off her favorite ring that I now wear and haven't taken off since I lost her. The hospital room that afternoon was filled with immediate family, but I remember blocking them all out. I heard the faint beeping of monitors, in her room and down the hall. I remember my family having side-conversations, but they were all just muffled to me. I felt like time was standing still.

I didn't want to leave her there. I remember kissing her forehead and saying "I love you mama" at least 15 times before finally leaving the room. I can't explain the way I felt as I walked out to the car with my grandma. I had cried so much that I really couldn't cry anymore. I stared out of the window the entire drive home with dry tear stains down my face. I missed her the second she left.

I lost my mom at 18 years old. She passed away 7 days after her 45th birthday. I remember the thoughts that kept going through my head. How I'll have to live 50, 60, 70 years without my mom. She won't get to meet my husband or help me plan a wedding. She wont get to meet my first child someday. She wont see me graduate from college. There are so many life events that I am going to have to do without her. She probably did more bad than good in her life, but she always said the one thing she got right was me.

I'm still the same girl, but I've learned that life experiences changed you. My mom saw me take my first breath, and I saw her take her last. In a matter of 72 hours, my entire world had flipped completely upside down. After experiencing that, I cherish those I love so much more than I did before. My heart was shattered and I had to pick up the pieces.

I apologize for the times that I can't find words, and the days that I can't leave my bed. Some days are easier than others—but if there is one thing I can promise, it is that I'm trying. Life never really does get back to normal. You just learn to live differently.

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