7 Reasons Why I Didn't Kill Myself
Reason # 1 - What If the Place I Went Was No Better?
My main fear was that I wouldn't go to heaven. What if God got mad that I didn't appreciate the life he had given me? I kept thinking about how the Ten Commandments say, "Thou Shalt Not Kill." In my mind, God might forgive me if I broke any of the other commandments—but the rule about killing? I wasn't so sure. I didn't want to take any chances. I wanted the pain I was experiencing to go away. I wanted peace, but I didn't want to be trapped somewhere that I couldn't leave if I didn't like it.
Reason # 2 - What If the Place I Went Was Worse?
My next fear was "what if I went to hell?" The pain I was feeling in my life was pretty awful, but what would I do if after I died I found myself in a place much worse? What if my pain was amplified a million times over? I couldn't imagine that I could possibly feel any worse than I already did; but still, what if I did? Those were the thoughts that ran through my head. I started to think about what little control I would probably have if I were stuck in hell. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wouldn't be able to come back.
Reason # 3 - Somebody Would Find Me Dead
When I was around thirteen, a boy I was sure I loved didn't love me back. In addition, some people constantly made fun of me, and I was tired of it. I hid in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face to the point that the top of my shirt was soaked. As I stood in the bathroom, staring at the shiny razor blade I gripped between my thumb and my forefinger, one of my brothers banged on the door. Startled, I jumped, and my heart began pounding a mile a minute. In that moment of surprise, I accidentally cut my finger, and the sight of my blood shocked me. It made me start thinking about how the person who found me would feel when they saw my lifeless body. I didn't want that to be the last memory anybody had of me. I didn't want to hurt the people who loved me.
Reason # 4 - Some People Might Be Happy
Amazingly, I thought that there might be some people who would be happy I was dead...like maybe, the kids who picked on me all the time. When I thought about that, I thought, "Screw them." If they'd be happy that I was dead, they certainly weren't worth my tears. I became determined not to waste my life or end it for people who treated me horribly. Somebody must have talked to them about the way they treated people because it wasn't long after that when they started being nice to me. I found out that they never hated me. They thought they were being cool or funny but when they learned how hurt I was they were sorry for treating me the way they did.
I never said it wasn't going to be hard, but I can guarantee you it's going to be worth it.
Reason # 5 - Some People Would Be Sad
Even though I argued with my Mom from time to time, I knew she loved me. This vision of her falling to her knees screaming in agony haunted my mind and my heart. There was nothing I wouldn't do to take any ounce of pain away from her. However, if I killed myself, I would be the person who gave her the pain; and, I couldn't do that. I had to be strong and get help because I didn't want to break my Mom's heart. My Dad and my brothers and sisters would also be devastated. Nothing in my life seemed fair. But, causing so much grief to the people who loved me so I could end my own grief definitely would not be fair. There had to be a better way. I started questioning why I didn't love myself enough to want to live.
Reason # 6 - I Could Change My Reaction
Although, I could not change the way other people acted, I could change the way I reacted to it. That's what I thought anyhow. But, it turned out that when I didn't give them the reaction they wanted from me, they started to change the way they treated me. When I stopped chasing after the boy I thought I loved, he asked me out. It wasn't long before I realized that I didn't really love him. When I got to know him better, I found out that he was conceited and he just wanted every girl to want him. He wanted to take whatever he could get from people without giving anything in return. I was over him before too long. As for the kids who picked on me, I started turning my nose up and walking away every time they tried to hurt me with their words and accusations. The simple act of doing that made me feel better. After a while, one person in that group asked me if I wanted to hang out; and, before I knew it, I was hanging out with all of them. I started making friends with all kinds of people and I was happy to be alive.
Reason # 7 - I Didn't Really Want to Die
I didn't really want to end my life. I simply wanted to stop feeling awful all the time. I didn't want attention or revenge. I, simply, wanted people to be kind to me. It occurred to me that if I were dead, they would never have the chance to treat me better. In essence, I would never get what I really wanted. I also started thinking about how hard it must be for people to be around me when I was feeling miserable. My mom asked me once, "Why can't you just be happy?" and I replied, "I don't know." I really didn't know so I decided to start trying to find things that made me feel happy. In the meantime, I pretended to be happy more often. As a result, the pain I felt disappeared little by little. The happier I became, the happier the people around me became; and, my whimpers became giggles. While this approach may not be the best way for everyone to go about finding happiness, it worked for me.
There have been many times throughout my life where the pain I felt was so strong, I couldn't imagine going through another day. However, I made it through those days, and I came upon many good days. I'm happy that I reached out to other people for help, and that I am still here today to shower the people I love with love.
Some wise person once said, "I never said it wasn't going to be hard, but I can guarantee you it's going to be worth it."
Life is worth it. Keep on living.
Call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (NSPL) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
- NIMH » Suicide Prevention
NIMH Information on Suicide Prevention